I gather that Steve's problem with the method is that he likes to stay calm himself and isn't especially interested in getting all riled up just to help someone else calm down.  I don't blame him.  If you're not a "riled up" kind of person, then behaving in a riled up sort of way isn't especially authentic.

My own problem with the method is a similar concern. In short, faking the state of being riled up feels like manipulation to me. If I'm genuinely riled up, then fine. At least I'm expressing myself. But pretending to be riled up for someone else's benefit just doesn't seem authentic. And I'm all about being authentic. "Faking it" is never a win-win situation. (To quote Monty Python, "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?")

In all seriousness, pretending to be something that you're not just doesn't express your true self. But the method does seem to help people who are upset to calm down. Is there any way to reconcile the method with authentic self-expression? Yes! It all comes down to goals.

Ironically, matching and mirroring works best at calming people down when the person engaging in the method is not primarily concerned with making the person calm down. It works best when the person's primary goal is to make the person feel understood - to forge a genuine human connection. That's the real point behind matching and mirroring. Simply trying to make the other person calm down is a subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) exercise of force, and force is always a win-lose game. (That's why it feels like manipulation if you're just going through the motions.)

I can't stress this enough. Until the other person wants to calm down, trying to make them calm down will not make them feel better. You can't "help" someone to do something that they don't want to do. But if you forge a genuine connection to the person who is upset, if you help them to understand that you genuinely care about their feelings, then they will start to feel better. And they will start wanting to calm down so you can help them address the underlying problem.

You don't have to match a person's level of distress to connect to them, but you do have to express a genuine concern for their feelings. You have to genuinely want to help. Not because you want them to "calm down" (which is really about what you want for your environment and for your peace of mind) but because you care that they are upset and you want them to be happy! You have to have a genuine sense of compassion for their distress, and that includes accepting their emotional state.

The next time you're confronted with someone who's upset, don't try to make them "calm down." Instead, try to make them feel supported. Try to make them feel cared for. Try to understand where they're coming from. It works wonders.