Take this photograph, for example. You could look at it and think, “Ha! Look at that idiot! He looks ridiculous! I’d never make a fool of myself like that!” Or on the other hand, you could think something more like, “Ha! That guy looks like he’s having the time of his life! I remember the last time I felt that silly. That was so much fun!” Believe it or not, I’m not interested in which reaction makes you a “better” person. I’m interested in which reaction makes you happier.

Some people have gotten accustomed to the idea that the first reaction is almost expected of them. It is a popular myth among children that some people are “cool” and some are “uncool,” and that the way to be cool is to recognize uncoolness wherever it raises its less-than-savory head. Once we have successfully navigated adolescence and have entered into the realm of adulthood, the word “cool” is usually replaced with words like “professional” or “successful” or “capable,” but the childhood programming persists. We want to look professional and successful and capable to the outside world, and we look down on others in their “unprofessional” moments. But consider the irony for a moment: is mocking others really a professional or successful or capable thing to do?

Humanity has been endowed with a powerful seeking drive, but seeking these common definitions of popularity and success does not make us joyful. Why not? Because we have also been endowed with a powerful social drive, and that drive is frustrated when we put other people down.

Seeking to feel successful by mocking others is a poor way to harness human nature. If we choose instead to define success, for example, as the ability to relate to others, then we no longer suffer the same dilemma. When I share in other people’s joys instead of laughing at the form that joy might sometimes take, my seeking nature and my social nature become united in a common goal. Not only does this goal unite us with each other, it unites us within ourselves.

So instead of using our sense of humor to put others down, let’s make a habit of using our sense of humor to bond together instead. The next time someone suggests karaoke after work, instead of saying, “I don’t know, Bill, I’ve heard you sing,” try saying, “I don’t know, Bill, I’m not sure the world’s ready for us,” or “I don’t know, Bill, I think my particular sound may be ahead of its time,” or “I don’t know, Bill, what if someone hears us and tries to sign us up with a major label? I’m not really keen on road trips.” Even if you and Bill are close friends and he doesn’t mind a little teasing, a kinder joke will often get a better laugh. It almost always gets a bigger smile.