I've been thinking a lot this past week about the dilemmas of childhood hierarchies and brand name idolization. What interests me about the problem is that not all kids play the hierarchy game, making fun of other kids in order to be part of an "in" crowd. So what's the difference? What makes the nice kids nice?

[Photo: Gap Kids Uniform Collection]

That's the real question we need to be asking--we'll never solve the problem by removing the things kids can be mean about. Kids who want to be mean are going to be mean. To make the mean behavior stop, we have to change the factors that are causing that behavior. Eliminating the focus of the behavior will just make the mean kids shift their focus to something else.

The subconscious mind plays a huge role in both dating and relationships. All human encounters are profoundly affected by the subconscious signals we are constantly sending and receiving. Holding someone's gaze indicates interest. Standing up straight indicates physical health and self-confidence. Below our usual level of awareness lies a subconscious rationality that is constantly feeding us information - good information - based upon years of experience in observing other human beings.

[Photo: Twist-front camisole by Banana Republic]

When we're dating, we tend to become more aware of these observations. We pay close attention to what the other person wears, to their body language, to how he or she behaves toward us. We are tuned in to this "animal brain" dialog because we are looking for indications of interest and compatibility. But what happens when a relationship becomes "solid" and those animal brains drop back below the surface?

Some years ago, I had a fascinating run-in with a customer service representative from a major banking corporation, which shall remain nameless to protect the innocent. For those of you who may have worked for me and therefore received a check from my own company, let me say right up front that it wasn't my current bank. In fact, the whole problem came about as I was trying to close this account - "trying" being the operative word.

[Photo: Robosapien Robot by Wow Wee International Ltd.]

I had been attempting to close the account for several months, to no avail. Each month I received a new statement (claiming that my money market account held a balance of $0.02), and each month I called the customer service office and informed them that despite my continued efforts, my account had not yet been closed. Each month the coldly polite representative looked into the problem and informed me that the account had not, in fact, been closed. I then coldly and politely reminded them that this was precisely the reason I had called.

The conversation continued in this vein...

In my last UnderCurrents post--Career Moms: Shifting the Balance--I suggested that a child's sense of self-worth and being loved is more important than keeping up with the Joneses. But what if today's kids are getting their sense of self-worth from keeping up with the Joneses? Houston, we have a problem...*

Now, this isn't really a column about parenting, but I see this issue as a wider social dilemma. Culturally speaking, we can't seem to come off our Madison Avenue addiction. We need things because everyone else has them, and kids are among the most vulnerable group when it comes to this kind of thinking. Our kids are Jonesing for the Joneses.**

Before we get all high and mighty about spoiled adolescents and bored upper-class snobs with low self-esteem, it's worth remembering (yet again) that we are SOCIAL animals. The feeling of "fitting in" is absolutely critical to life as a healthy human being.

[Photo courtesy of The World Wildlife Fund]

I'm told that in agricultural societies, young children ask, "How do you grow a baby?" Only in industrialized societies do children ask about "making" one. What's interesting to me is that these aren't merely two different ways of asking the same thing. They are two fundamentally different questions, with two fundamentally different sets of underlying assumptions.

"Making" something implies that the maker will be doing most of the work. It implies an essentially independent view of the world, with independent actors "doing" things "to" other things, and to other people for that matter. In an independent world, everything becomes an object. People are "objects" of our affection, of our desire, of our wrath. People can be made: "I made you, and I can break you!"; "He's a self-made man." And a business, in this world, is also "made" - through "sweat equity" and lots of hard work - with the results attributed to the "maker."

One great way to pump up your sex life is to pump up your body, and not just for the obvious reasons. The obvious reasons? Oh, please. Do you think Brad Pitt had any trouble wooing the ladies even before he was rich and famous? Or what about Angelina Jolie? Any trouble finding dates there? I don't think so.

But enough about that. We spend way too much time thinking about what other people think anyway. I mean WAY too much time. So here's how getting some healthy exercise will change your mind for the better and help spice up that love life.

[Chin-ups are great for upper body strength. Photo by Bernard de Wetter for The World Wildlife Fund]

1. The perfect aphrodisiac. Exercise floods the brain with all kinds of "feel good" chemicals designed to optimize the body's state for physical activity. Better yet, these drugs are all-natural, 100% organic, and completely free of charge. Now what else is physical activity? Hmmm...

Office enemy #1 - the verbal sniper. We've all known a few. Mild-mannered in the presence of authority, these stealthy predators patiently stalk their prey, waiting for a private moment in which to brutally criticize all well-intentioned ideas. The solitary hunters of the workplace, verbal snipers often hide near the office watering hole, pouncing on unsuspecting colleagues as they come to drink.

[Photo by Martin Harvey for The World Wildlife Fund]

It's Mother's Day this weekend here in the U.S. (Happy Mother's Day, Mom!), and the event has me thinking a lot about moms, careers, family, and our social expectations. I'm not a mother myself, but I have a lot of respect for those women who manage to juggle both family and career. I honestly don't know how they do it...

[Photo: Lily Pulitzer Barbie & Stacey by Mattel]

It has to be difficult to have to choose between ambition in the workplace and the family waiting for you at home. There was a time, or so I'm told, when a woman's success was judged primarily (by society anyway) by her success as a wife and a mother. Any work she did outside the home was considered "extra" and had little to do with her community's opinion of her.

Of course, back then her husband's success was judged almost entirely by his success in his career. If the woman's job was to nurture, the man's job was to provide a good income, perhaps along with some yard work and home repairs on the weekends. (But even there, it was acceptable for him to pay someone else to handle such household responsibilities.)

I certainly wouldn't want to go back to that era, but it's worth recognizing that there are aspects of that arrangement that were simpler than the social expectations we live with today. When men and women had to choose between career and family, society sent a clear message to each gender about that choice.

Whenever I give a talk or lecture about the human animal, one woman or another inevitably feels the need to comment, "Well, men are animals - that's for sure."

Frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it. Ladies, please, before you go accusing men of being the more primitive sex, consider this photo. If this guy asked you out, would you even think about saying yes?

The man was a Nobel Prize winner. Easily the most famous scientist of the 20th century. One of the most brilliant minds ever born in the history of humankind. But not exactly a looker.

Of course, fame can be highly attractive in its own right, and Albert Einstein did have his share of groupies. My point, however, is that we women deal with our own set of preprogrammed instincts. We may not appreciate everything about the male culture (and it IS a different culture), but men are not a different species.

The next time you see an underwear model - and I mean a MALE underwear model - think about how long you stared at that ad compared to the cosmetics ad on the previous page. And give the guys a break already. The human mind is an animal mind. A complex animal mind, to be sure, but an animal mind nonetheless. Like it or not, we're all in this together.

[Photo: Eddie Bauer - Men's Water Shorts]

Here's a great article on recent trends in marketing to women. For what it's worth, the recycled stereotypes that aren't working for women were never so great for men either. What do you say guys? Do images of strong, aggressive men "hooking up" with random women make you want to buy the stuff those guys have? The ladies have weighed in (read the article). Now let's hear from the gentlemen. Care to comment? Is the male psyche innately tuned in to images of casual "hook-ups"? Are these "animal instincts" just basic human nature? Or are they the invention of a dying mindset?

Man-Eaters of Madison Avenue

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz swears by three critical factors for growing and managing any business. (These lessons were brought to my attention by bloggers Phil Gerbyshak & Rosa Say. Great stuff!) But to understand the tremendous transformational power inherent in all three, you have to understand the essence of the animal mind.

Lesson 1: Dig deep to identify what you are truly passionate about (hint: it's not always the product itself) and convey that message to employees, customers, and colleagues. When you are passionate, you come across as excited, energetic, and enthusiastic -- all of the qualities people like to see in others. And if people like you, they're more likely to do business with you or to back your vision.

Why this is true: human beings are primates. We are programmed to live together in relatively large groups, and we are programmed to respond emotionally to those around us. We naturally resonate with the emotions of others, so we are attracted to people who are passionate (excited, energetic, and enthusiastic) because they make us feel the same way. Angry people upset us, sad people bring us down, and passionate people fill us with enthusiasm. This simple fact is one of the most profound keys to truly exceptional leadership.

I saw this great postcard over at Post Secret this week, and it got me thinking (again). Just to put the following comments in perspective, let me say right off the bat that I consider myself more "liberal" than "conservative" (for whatever those labels are worth), that I am deeply spiritual but refuse to be chained to the dogma of any particular religion (read Karen Armstrong's most recent book if you'd like to know more about that), that I am not from Texas (although I have a deep and abiding love for freedom and cowboy boots), and that I have been decidedly heterosexual since I was six years old and first met the boy next door.

When a fish finds itself on dry land, gasping for breath, do you think it wastes any energy berating itself? Do you suppose it thinks to itself, "Wow, I must be the worst fish ever! Why can't I breathe this stuff? If only I were a better fish, then I wouldn't be in this mess."

Of course, fish probably aren't big on internal monologues. But even if they were, it would seem a little crazy for a fish to give itself a hard time over suffocating on dry land. And yet this is essentially what we human beings do to ourselves, and to each other, on a preposterously regular basis.

Everyone knows about sexual predators. Primarily male, they are physically aggressive - leering suggestively, staring inappropriately, going for the "accidental" grope, and generally making a nuisance (or worse) of themselves. While the problem of sexual predation has been identified by the general media and the public at large, there is another unsightly beast that remains largely unaddressed: the emotional predator.

Money can't buy happiness. Or can it? Researchers in the fields of neuroscience and game theory have teamed up to create experiments that suggest that sometimes, maybe more often than we know, our financial decisions are driven by our emotional nature.

In the game of “ultimatum,” highlighted by senior editor Gardiner Morse in this month’s issue of Harvard Business Review, a player is given $10 to split with another player according to one very simple rule. The player with the money can offer any amount out of that $10 to the other player. If the offer is accepted, both players get to keep the proceeds of the deal, but if the offer is rejected, then neither player gets anything.

Researchers soon discovered that a “lowball” offer will generally be rejected, leaving the players with nothing, despite the fact that an acceptance would have left both players with at least a marginal payoff. The person receiving the lousy offer is willing to lose the dollar or two they could have made in order to prevent the other player from keeping the remaining eight or nine. Apparently, the wisdom that "something is better than nothing" doesn't always hold true: nothing is better than something if that something comes at the price of unfairness.