Like the animals of the Serengeti, office personnel can't avoid the water cooler forever. At some point they must come forth and risk the predator that may be lurking in the kitchenette. As with all herd animals, their best defense lies in the safety of numbers. Verbal snipers don't like to call attention to themselves. They prefer to pronounce their bitter judgements without witnesses.

If you absolutely must approach the water cooler alone and you are unfortunate enough to encounter a verbal sniper, just remember "CARP":

• C. Call for assistance;
• A. Argue loudly;
• R. Regale them with irrelevant anecdotes;
• P. Pretend your cell phone is ringing.

C. Call for assistance: Verbal snipers, while aggressive when facing solitary prey, become nervous when outnumbered. Calling out to other members of the herd who may be within ear shot will often deter the predator. "HEY, BOB, IS IT TRUE WHAT THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT YOU?"; "HEY, JUDY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CUTBACKS?"; and "HEY, WHOSE BLACKBERRY IS THIS? I THINK I SAT ON IT!" are all good ploys, due to the high likelihood of herd response.

A. Argue loudly: If a verbal sniper has managed to cut you off from the herd, your second-best bet is to argue immediately against whatever he or she says in abnormally loud tones. For example, "REALLY? I DIDN'T THINK CHUCK'S IDEA WAS IDIOTIC AT ALL! IN FACT, I THOUGHT IT WAS BRILLIANT! WHY DON'T YOU LIKE CHUCK ANYWAY? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HE'S SUCH A MORON?" Broadcasting the private opinions of a verbal sniper is almost guaranteed to scare them off if there is even the slightest chance that anyone else might wander within earshot.

R. Regale them with irrelevant anecdotes: What if a verbal sniper has you pinned down in the parking lot, for example, where shouting will do no good? Now your best response is to launch instantly into a painfully long, boring, and irrelevant anecdote, with as few pauses for breath as possible. The more detailed, the better. Stories about dental visits and the weather work especially well:

"Listen, I don't know about you, but all I've been able to think about all day is the root canal I had last month - it's almost as hot today as it was then, which is just crazy, crazy hot, and I had to drive all the way across town in the middle of morning rush hour, and there was construction on 23rd so I had to cut over to 24th and you KNOW what 24th is like, it's the absolute worst, and it was about 90 degrees that day and my air conditioning was broken so the whole time I was sweating into my favorite shirt - you know, my navy button-down shirt - my kids bought it for me last winter and I haven't been able to wear it until recently because it's a cotton-linen blend which is too light for winter but great for the summer but it's still not good enough for 90-degree heat, let me tell you! - so I'm driving down 24th and sweating like crazy into this shirt..." You get the idea.

P. Pretend your cell phone is ringing: If a verbal sniper has gone too long without the opportunity to plant a verbal knife in someone's back, this predator has the potential to become irrationally aggressive. If the sniper is adamant enough to ignore your story and speak right over your ramblings, you must consider yourself to be in a severe state of emergency. You have no choice but to flee as rapidly as possible.

Pretend to be suddenly startled and say, "Oh that scared me! Ha! I forgot I had the phone on 'vibrate.' Just a second..." Then grab your cell phone and begin to speak into it. "Hello? What? Oh, hi, [insert supervisor's name here]." Glance sideways at the sniper and mumble, "Sorry, I have to take this," and then walk away briskly while pretending to listen intently to the phone. Occasional comments such as "Uh huh," and "I see," will increase your odds of a successful escape.

Remember, with appropriate planning and regular practice drills, the threat of verbal snipers can be reduced significantly. Remain close to the herd whenever possible, but if you ever find yourself cornered, these four simple steps have proved effective in evading 95 to 98% of all verbal sniper attacks. Keep your cell phone with you at all times in case of emergency, and hey, let's be careful out there.