EM: Welcome to the new Monday Morning Edition of The Cobblestone Cafe here at the world of EM Sky. It's one heaven of a kick-off, I have to say, because I have the incredible fortune of sitting here in the EM Sky studios with none other than Tymalous Shadowstar Himself, God of the Goblins. Welcome, Tymalous!

TYMALOUS: Thanks, EM. And please, call me Tymalous. Or 'God of the Autumn Star,' if you want to be formal.

EM: 'God of the Autumn Star'... Why, that certainly has a nice ring to it. Some unfortunate initials though, hmm? So, Tymalous, why goblins? You are a god, aren't you? Why not stick with the more traditional races: humans, elves, dwarves...?

TYMALOUS: You should have seen my temple back in the old days. The blood paintings of the Xantock warrior elves, the long-winded stone carvings of the Undermountain dwarf clans . . . I was quite the deity back then. But eventually, well, let's just say even gods sometimes bite off more than they can chew. A bit like goblins, really. And remember, my purpose is to help and protect my followers. Who needs protecting more than those vicious, squabbling little fellows?

EM: Well there's a refreshing attitude. Sounds like you're taking your change of circumstances pretty well. You really don't mind having been forgotten?

TYMALOUS: I had a good run, and who knows what the future holds. Everything happens for a reason, right? Sure, sometimes the reason is that you did something stupid, but there's always a reason. Perhaps it's for the best. This path brought me to Jig and his fellow goblins. I've been able to help some of them, easing their wounds, comforting their fears . . . not to mention more practical improvements. Goblin hygiene is nothing to boast about, but you should have seen them before I came along. The toe fungus alone was enough to make a god weep.

EM: Um, nothing against your new followers, but I'm sure I speak for everyone here in the studio when I say... eeewww... Still, it sounds like you might be warming up to the little guys. Good news, since my sources tell me you've signed an exclusive contract with author Jim C. Hines to appear in his goblin adventure series. How's that working out for you? Have you enjoyed working with Jim?

TYMALOUS: For the most part, I've been quite pleased. Word of mouth is everything for a god trying to reestablish his following, you know. I wouldn't mind getting a bit more page time, but when I mentioned that, Hines just got this evil look in his eyes and chuckled. And . . . well . . . the first time he described me in Goblin Quest, he implied I was losing my hair! He nearly earned himself a smiting with that paragraph. Personally, I think he's projecting his own issues. Have you seen his latest author photo? Compare that to my luxurious silver locks, and you'll see what I mean.

EM: Hey, you won't get any argument from me. I love the hair. Absolutely smashing! But just between us, Tymster, I have to ask: is this glitter gel or what? That sparkling seventies je ne sais quoi... Wow, I wish our listeners could see this... like a million tiny disco lights... It can't be natural. How do you do it?

TYMALOUS: Why thank you! It's an inherent effect of the overlap between my corporeal form sitting here with you and the archetypical manifestation of my power in the divine realm, which mortals perceive as the autumn star. In other words, the star is as much "me" as this body, and some of that tends to shine through. It's a god thing. That's why my old friend Ipsep, god of the sea, was always plucking seaweed out of his hair and . . other places.

EM: So does that mean you sparkle... um... everywhere?

TYMALOUS: Wouldn't you like to know. Actually, a lot depends on the lighting. Something in your studio really brings out the shine. I may have to copy this setup for my temple.

EM: Well all right then. Glad to be of service. No pun intended, of course... But Tym, I have to ask, does your girlfriend get into the whole divine shimmery thing? I assume you have a girlfriend. Or at least one or two, shall we say, ardent followers? How about telling our listeners what the god dating circuit is really like, hmm? Give us the inside scoop.

TYMALOUS: The divine dating scene can be interesting. I remember Taras used to manifest as a giant turtle to proposition mortal girls. Or was it a tortoise? Taras was a bit of a freak. He threw great parties, though. As for me, I've been on my own for about five thousand years, give or take. My last relationship ended pretty badly. Besides, when the only people who remember your existence are a little band of goblins, your dating prospects are rather slim, if you know what I mean?

EM: Five thousand years??? Good Lord, man! Whoops. I mean god. Good Lord,... god? Well that's... ha! Yeah... Okay, my producer tells me we're running short on time here, but I can't let you go before I ask you about your new project. What's in store for the goblin gang next? Has Jim dropped any hints around the set? Have you seen the finished script?

TYMALOUS: I've seen bits and pieces. You know how it is with trilogies, of course. Bigger stakes, bigger payoff, and all that good stuff. Not to mention a bigger special effects budget. Jim has been talking about getting the goblins out of their mountain and into the world. I'm also told we may learn something about Jig's parentage. Personally, I'm hoping Hines will take a page from Pirates of the Carribean, and Jig's father will turn out to be Keith Richards. Wouldn't that be a fun twist?

EM: Ha! You know, I do see the resemblance, now that you mention it... But do you think you're finally going to get that higher page count, Tym? I'm pulling for you, by the way. I love your work. I'm a huge fan. Really. And what about Jig? He's under an exclusive contract too, I believe. Will he be earning his keep this time around?

TYMALOUS: Jig's going to be pretty busy. I'm told Hines isn't planning any more goblin books for a while, and I think that's a good idea. If Jig doesn't get a vacation soon, I'm afraid he'll snap. He and Smudge have had a rough few years. As for me, every time I ask about getting more story time, he just chuckles and says something about being careful what you wish for.

EM: Okay! Well, sounds like some good news for Tymalous Shadowstar, the forgotten god making a giant comeback. You heard it here first, folks! And ladies, remember, he's been alone for five thousand years, so set up that home altar and say a prayer or two to this divine fellow with the disco ball shimmer. I'm sure he can make all your dating dreams come true!

Three... two... one... aaaaaaand... we're out. That's a wrap, you two. Great stuff.

EM: Thanks, Tym, that was terrific. Nice show today. Really nice.

TYMALOUS: Thank you, EM. It's great to get out of the temple and chat with someone whose idea of a good time doesn't involve a game of rakachak and hot rat dumplings from Golaka's kitchen. Speaking of which, do you mind if I swipe the chips and salsa from the green room?

EM: Um... I don't know. Hang on a sec. Larry? Hey, you there? Do we have someone else coming in this afternoon? Shadowstar wants the hospitality tray.

LARRY: Nope, that's it for today, EM.

EM: Okay, thanks. Sure, Tym, take it. Knock yourself out.

TYMALOUS: Excellent! You should taste what passes for goblin salsa. Though I have to say, the fire-spider eggs give it quite the kick. Anyway, best of luck with the show. I hear you had a death god on? I haven't talked to one of them in . . . well, it's been a long time. Good luck with the writing, too. If any of those editors need a good smiting, just give me a call.

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A very special thanks to author Jim C. Hines for writing the part of Tymalous Shadowstar and graciously allowing his creation to appear here on Straight from the Barrel... Look for Shadowstar, Jig, and all my favorite goblin characters in the Goblin Adventure series: Goblin Quest and Goblin Hero, and stay tuned for updates on Goblin War, currently due to be released in March of 2008.