EM: I'm sitting here this week at The Cobblestone Café with one of my very favorite fantasy characters, the indomitable Jig the Goblin. Welcome, Jig! Glad to have you on the show!

JIG: Well, it was either do the interview or get stuck trying to cure another outbreak of toe fungus back at the lair. Um... can you lock that door behind you? I'm still a little twitchy after that whole mess in the ogres' tunnels.

EM: Oh. Sure thing. Larry? The door?

Larry: Got it.

EM: Yeah? It's locked? OK, thanks. So, Jig, you've been the star now of two wildly successful Jim Hines Goblin Adventure books, with a third on the way. How are you doing with all the publicity? Has the fame changed your life much?

JIG: I have a lot more nightmares these days. Partly about the toe fungus, but also about dragons and ogres and all of the times Kralk tried to kill me because she thought I wanted to take her place as chief. She even hired a hobgoblin to set up an axe trap in the temple, but I guess the trap went off too soon. I miss the days when I could hide in the far tunnels with Smudge and people would just leave us alone. It's not all bad, though. I have my spectacles, and a new pair of boots!

EM: Oh, I love the boots. Where can I find a pair of those?

JIG: That's one of the only good things about adventures. When everything's over, there are plenty of dead bodies to steal from. Assuming you're not one of them, I mean. Also, there's plenty to eat. Warriors are extra meaty, you know.

EM: Um, right. Of course... Well, at least I have my own pair of spectacles. Hey, look at that. They're about the same shape as yours. Ha! We could be twins!

JIG: Yours look so light. How do you keep them from getting broken when the bigger humans punch you in the head for getting in their way?

EM: Ah. Um... that's an excellent point, of course... But you see, where I come from, people don't have to worry about that very much. All the adult humans give up some of their money every year for the common good. That's called a "tax base." Then we use some of that money to pay certain people to go around making sure that nobody punches anybody in the head.

JIG: Oh, that's what taxes are for. I saw something about those in the third book. If I had known you could pay humans not to punch you in the head, that whole mess with Straum and Barius would have been a little less miserable. Not that I had anything to pay them with, back then. Coins aren't as important to goblins as things like food and weapons and good boots. And humans don't seem to appreciate goblin cooking.

EM: Well, it works better in a whole village full of humans. Two or three humans faced with one goblin aren't likely to feel bound by the same rules, unfortunately...

But you mentioned the third book. How did that go for you? Did you have fun working on the project?

JIG: Fun? Fun? He called the third book Goblin War. Do you know what happens to goblins when they go to war?

I'm not allowed to say much about it. Jim said he'd give me a break from these adventures, but if I spilled the beans about Tymalous Shadowstar's history or Billa the Bloody's monstrous army, he'd put me through another trilogy. I don't know what beans have to do with anything, but if it means I get a little peace and quiet, I'll protect his precious beans.

I'll tell you this much, though. Whoever decided goblins should ride giant wolves into battle had dung for brains.

EM: OK, so you're obviously looking forward to taking a break for a while. What do you intend to do with your time off? Do you have any big plans?

JIG: Um ... I'm told I can't answer that question, on account of it might give away the ending of the book. Spoilers, whatever those are. Something about not letting people know what happens, and whether or not I— Hey, wait. What do you mean whether or not I survive? How can I not survive? I'm right here, and— Final revisions? What does that mean?

All right, where did I put my sword?

EM: I'm sorry... your sword? Listen, Jig, you can't have a sword in here.

JIG: It wouldn't help anyway. I guess he's already signed the contracts, so even if I killed him, there's no getting out of the third book. Going back to your question though, I think I'm going to spend my free time plotting a way to get back at Hines for everything he's done to me over the past few years. Beware the little guys, for they are sneakiest in their revenge.

EM: OK, well, it looks like we're out of time here, Jig. But I'd like to thank you for being on the show today. It's been a pleasure. And folks, stay tuned for further updates on Goblin War by Jim C. Hines, arriving on the shelves early in 2008.

And, three... two... one... we're clear, EM. That's a wrap.

EM: Hey, Jig. Thanks again for being on the show. I had a lot of fun today. Really! Oh, and Larry? Would you get Hines on the phone for me, please? Larry?

Larry: Will do, EM.

JIG: Tell him I'm going to write my own books! Tell him we'll see how he likes going up against dragons and ogres and humans, and eating bread and other nasty stuff. Tell him I'm going to make sure a fire-spider burns off his hair. Wait, does he have any hair left these days? Well, whatever's left, it's going to burn! And also, I'm going to make sure my cover artist gets his nose too big.

EM: Sure thing, Jig. Whatever you say. Larry? Today, please? And while you're at it, you might want to all-cay ecurity-say, if you catch my drift.

Larry: Yeah, got it.

JIG: Well, I guess I should go back and see how Braf's doing with that toe fungus outbreak. I hope he hasn't tried burning people's feet again. It does cure the fungus, but last time, he stunk up the whole lair.

Jim C. Hines' Goblin Quest and Goblin Hero are both available on Amazon and at other fine booksellers.