EM: Welcome back to the Cobblestone Café, where life slows down every Monday morning, and authors and characters stop in for a chat. Apparently our little show has caused quite a stir in Locksley after last week's interview with Robin Hood. So I'm here this morning at knife point— I mean, it's my pleasure this week to have the Sheriff of Nottingham here with us in the EM Sky studios. Welcome, Sheriff.

Sheriff: Thank you, EM. It's quite gracious of you to have me. I—

[voice interrupted by screeching feedback]

Sheriff: If this is your idea of a joke... Are we still on the air?

EM: Yes, we are, Sheriff. Sorry. We're all just a bit nervous around here, what with the armed henchman scattered about.

Sheriff: They are not henchman. These are my personal guard. One can't be too careful these days, with murderers like Hood on the loose.

EM: Not to argue with you, Sheriff, but he didn't threaten anyone while he was here.

Sheriff: Well he wouldn't, would he? Not on the air. No, no. He's far too underhanded for that. He'd rather break into my personal bedchamber in the middle of the night, put a knife to my throat, and threaten my life without any witnesses. That's how an assassin operates, you know. No proof against him, nothing corroborated.

EM: But if he's an assassin, why didn't he kill you?

Sheriff: What's that?

EM: When he was in your bedchamber, with the knife at your throat. If he's really the murderer you claim he is, why didn't he kill you?

Sheriff: Er... well... that was just a figure of speech, you see. My guards would never let a criminal like Hood anywhere near the castle. Absolutely not.

EM: But Robin's been to the castle plenty of times.

Sheriff: No, he hasn't.

EM: There are eyewitnesses.

Sheriff: No, there aren't.

EM: We have three eyewitnesses waiting on the call lines already!

Sheriff: Really? That's fascinating. I want their names. Just to talk with them, you understand. So we can conduct a thorough investigation.

EM: Um... hmmm... it seems they've all hung up.

Sheriff: Of course they have. You see? Just a few harmless peasants wanting a little attention. There aren't any real eyewitnesses because Robin Hood couldn't get anywhere near me. I'm far too clever for him.

EM: What the heck?

Sheriff: Robin! Where is he? Guards! Find him! Robin, come out and face me, you coward!

EM: Sheriff? Why are you hiding under the table?

Sheriff: [in a hissing whisper] I'm not hiding! Don't say I'm hiding on the air!

EM: Oh, right. Sorry. But really, what are you doing down there?

Sheriff: I'm not down anywhere. I'm sitting right here at the table with you.

EM: No, you aren't.

Sheriff: Yes, I am.

EM: No, you aren't.

Sheriff: Yes, I am!

EM: No, you—

Sheriff: Cut!

EM: Cut? You can't say 'cut.' This isn't a movie set.

Sheriff: When I say 'cut,' I mean 'cut'! Guards!

EM: Uh oh. OK, that's about it for this week's show, ladies and gentlemen. Let's have a nice, loud round of applause so the Sheriff can hear it down there under the—

Sheriff: Cut!

And-three-two-one-we're-out-and-I'm-out-of-here-bye-EM...

EM: Larry? Hey, Larry? Is anybody in the booth? Oh, that's just great. Lousy, ungrateful sound engineers... I tell you. You offer someone a job, and then at the first sign of mortal danger, wham! Bye-bye, boss.

Sheriff: Hey, I know how you feel. Miserable, isn't it? I lose more guards that way...

EM: All right, well, I guess I'm heading out, too. Sheriff? Can I get you anything down there before I go?

Sheriff: No, thanks. I'm fine.

EM: You sure?

Sheriff: Yep, I'm good.

EM: OK, well, keep your head down...

Sheriff: Yeah. Very funny.