EM: Welcome back to the Cobblestone Café, where life slows down every Monday morning, and authors and characters stop in for a chat. Joining us today is none other than the protector of Locksley, champion of King Richard, the one and only Robin Hood. Welcome, Mr. Hood!

Robin: No, no. It's just Robin. Please. No need for formalities. I'm not even a nobleman at the moment. At least, not technically...

EM: Oh that's right! The sheriff, and all that. Nasty business. So what's that like, going from the noble life to hiding out in the forest?

Robin: Well, it's not great, now is it? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. The peasants have it far worse than I. Still, a man goes off to war, to fight for his king, he certainly doesn't expect to come home to corruption in his own backyard.

I mean think about it. It's like, "There you go, there's a good lad, off to war with you," and then the second you come home it's the same thing all over again. "Back home again are you? Right, just in time! Go defend the king against his own brother and his appointed minions, all right? We'd help you out, but we're a little busy in the Holy Land. Just do your best. Try not to get killed."

Honestly. Where's the thanks? Where's the glory for the returning hero? Where's the girl for heaven's sake?

EM: Ah yes, Marion. So, things aren't going well?

Robin: Oh, I don't know. They might have been, you know, if I could have come home to my own house. Sure, she was angry with me for leaving, and between you and me I don't blame her. But I could have made it up to her.

Now I'm, what, living in a forest? With a loyal rabble of "merry men," who aren't all that merry, truth be told. What's she supposed to do? Leave her father's house to come sleep in a cave? Spend one rainy English day after another huddled under a blanket near a dying campfire?

Oh, right. That's romantic, I'll tell you what. That's a young woman's dream, it is. Ha! I don't think so.

EM: I bet she'd do it if you asked her.

Robin: Well, sure, you're probably right. I bet she would at that. But I couldn't let her do it. It's not just the rain or the cold; it's the whole outlaw business that's the real problem. If she got caught... Well, I can't even think of it.

No. Absolutely not. It's out of the question.

EM: Well, that's too bad—

Robin: But really, is it too much to ask for her to wait just a bit longer? I mean, I'm home now, right? More or less, anyway. She knows where I am. Despite the danger, I stop by to see her all the time, check in with her, keep her in the loop, you know. And what does she do? She goes out and gets herself engaged to someone else!

I swear, I turn my back for five minutes...

EM: So, Robin, what—

Robin: Engaged! Without even a "by your leave," as if I were nobody! As if what we had meant nothing. Nothing! And as if that weren't bad enough, the bloke's a bloody assassin! My mortal enemy! It's like she's trying to upset me, isn't it!

Honestly, EM. What do you think? Do you think she's done it on purpose? Like maybe it's some kind of punishment for leaving and all that?

EM: Well I—

Robin: No, you're right. You're right! She wouldn't do that. She's angry, but she's not the vengeful sort. Never has been.

It's just her father, you know. Trying to protect him, keep him in the new sheriff's good graces. Or at least out of his bad graces, which is about the best you can hope for there. Not a nice man, the sheriff, to say the least.

EM: Robin, I—

Robin: Hey, thanks, EM. Really. You're a great gal yourself, eh? You should think about settling down maybe. Having a few kids. Do you like kids?

EM: I—

Robin: Right. Well, I'd best be off. Things to do, people to save, you know. But I'll come back some time. Drop in and say hello. Maybe have a cup of tea in between crises. That's all it is these days, one bloody crisis after another. But things have to slow down eventually.

Tell you what, maybe I'll bring Marion next time. Let the two of you meet. Maybe you can talk some sense into her, what do you say? Splendid! Well, until then.

EM: OK... well... thanks for stopping by, Robin. I hope things start looking up for you... Wow, there he goes. Huh. The guy sure can run, can't he? I'll give him that...

And three... two... one... We're clear, EM. That's a wrap.

EM: Hey, Larry? Let's cut back on the action hero interviews from now on, OK?

Larry: Sure thing, EM.

EM: I mean, honestly. This is a talk show, right? Interviews? A little back and forth maybe? Is that so much to ask?

Larry: Yeah, we'll work on it.

This interview with Robin Hood has been brought to you by reader request. If you have a request for an author or character interview, write to me here at the Cobblestone Café and I'll see what I can do.